i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
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