Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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