It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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