I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Randomize
