in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
