I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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