i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
How external is "for external use only"?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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