You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
