I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
