Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Just invented taco cereal.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
