I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
