she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Randomize
