I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
