if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
