Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
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