Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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