I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
His hands were made for my vagina.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
