So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
