How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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