Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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