Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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