It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
