I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i came on her dog
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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