I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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