Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
