Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Sorry about my life...
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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