tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
