hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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