Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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