he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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