What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
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