I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
