Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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