Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
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