Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
