is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
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