Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
