Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
