My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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