There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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