I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
