He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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