I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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