I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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