She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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