Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
