we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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