I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Randomize
