she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
MIDGETS
????
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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