I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
