Swine flu. Run for my life!
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
