you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Dear god my vagina.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
